Tuesday, November 29, 2016

I'm full of rage on her behalf.

I almost didn't give today - "GivingTuesday" -
then I saw the news article regarding mandatory burial of fetal remains in Texas.
....so I'm gonna tell a story of a girl I know. (and why today I've given on GivingTuesday)

All this girl ever wanted was to be a mother. As soon as she could, she met her man and had baby #1.

A few years later while pregnant with  #2, her doctor told her that she had fibroids - what I understood are like cysts on the uterus. The doctor said it was normal. No worries.

A few years later,  #3 is six months on the way, the doctor asks if she plans on having more, the girl said "likely yes".
So it's suggested that while at the birth of #3 they would remove (scrape out) the fibroids (which have gotten larger) to prevent any complications with baby #4.

The girl agrees.

There's something wrong, the fetus #3 has the umbilical cord wrapped tightly around it's neck. It dies in the womb. The girl is heartbroken, makes the decision to have it removed, she has to live with the knowledge of harboring a 6mnth dead fetus for a day or so (can't remember the length of time. Not immediate though) until the doctor can comply. It's done, and said doctor also removes the fibroids (as noted earlier).
While trying to deal with the loss, the girl is constantly asked for the name of the fetus? how is your mental health? if she wants to join a support group? prayer group? how they would like to move forward with services? cremation? or burial? name of the "baby",  How do you feel? How do you feel? How do you feel?

The girl tries to tell them that, in her mind -  what would've been her baby is gone. She does not want to name it and perhaps maybe look into how giving the remains to science might help other people.

That option is not available - in the state of Texas.

The pressure mounts to make a decision for the name of the baby and cremation/burial options - the girls husband says he'll stand by whatever the girl wants to do. The girl, wanting to grieve in peace and resenting the effort of the state to tie her even more to what's gone by forcing her to name it, gives the decision to a family member, the family member chooses a name and pays the costs of death certificate/cremation (which is not minimal).

A few years later -  #4 is 4 months on the way, I'm on the phone with the girl and she's in the middle of a story when she says..."oy, I've felt sick for a few days. Let me get off the phone. my stomach is hurting." I say ok and hang up.

The girls husband texts much later that day saying she's in the hospital and has lost the baby.

Apparently, when the fibroids were removed after #3, they had scraped too close to the uterine lining, making it thin - so when the fetus grew, the uterine lining tore - thereby poisoning the mother and ultimately stopping progress of the fetus.

I go to the hospital - the hospital doesn't know where to put her - not in the maternity ward, they put her in the trauma ward - she's pacing maniacally over a floor/drain that regularly hoses off blood. She hasn't been able to shower, she doesn't even have a private bathroom.
The rounds begin again - what do you want to name it? death certificate? church service? mental health status? women's support group? burial?

it ends here - the girl blames herself for "killing" two babies that she very much wanted. And grieves the loss of the ability to have the big family she wanted.

I'm still, to this day, full of rage on her behalf
(since she has no room for else but sadness and shame looking back on it)

The state, the government magnified a traumatic situation.
I'm not pro-abortion -  I'm absolutely pro a woman's right to choose what the best thing for her is to do with her own body, WHICH ALSO INCLUDES what that body creates/ keeps (or has kept) alive if it can't sustain life on its own...
An individual, the State, the government, has no business getting involved in what should be a decision between a woman, her man (... even that to an extent IMO.) and the doctors/medical staff that help her through it.

And so....I almost didn't give today - unfortunately with a husband recently laid off, charity donations are one of the first things we pull back on - but I gave today. not much but I gave on GivingTuesday. Not hard to guess to which non-profit...

Monday, November 28, 2016

TRIP RECAP: Carolina-s (and TN) on my mind

We got back from NC yesterday.
Re-cap -
Landed in Charlotte at 8am, drove the 2 hours west to  Asheville, they're in "exceptional drought"  and it's noticeable. Could definitely smell the smoke from the wildfires in the mornings.

Asheville in general - In a good way we think it's the "weird" that Austin has lost. Lots of good restaurants, bars and shopping all in a walk-able distance, if staying downtown.
Loved: people are very nice (but not very talkative), very dog friendly, the Crow and Quill, the view from Grove Park Inn - Edisons, The Admiral (everything was delicious!), Biscuit Head, people watching
Didn't Love: there's a slight chance you'll wind up sitting next to someone at a bar who's chosen to not bathe or use deodorant. (they'll know everything about being a vegetarian and your astrological sign though...)


Surrounding areas
Gatlinburg, Tennessee
We took a day trip up to Gatlinburg - stopped over at Carver's Orchard in Crosby, TN - nice, quaint.  Wish we would've been hungry to try their restaurant. 
Gatlinburg was awful - SO super touristy. We made the effort to park and walk down the main street toward the Ober tramway thing - we lasted 20 minutes and just made the decision get back to our car and leave.

the Blue Ridge Parkway (back down to Asheville) - beautiful...and just so nice to be out of the crowds

On our way back to Charlotte  
- Stopped over at Hubba Hubba BBQ  - very good (pulled pork yum! still not a fan of Carolina sauces though.)
- I googled "battle site near me" and sure enough (Revolutionary War) Cowpens Battlefield in South Carolina came up. I had low expectations but it's actually pretty neat. I got a map from the visitors center and we chose to do the hour+ auto tour. We pulled up the park website on our phone for the narration that brought each stop to life (we also searched for bullets to no avail.)
We also randomly passed by the Gaffney, SC peach tower (on the House of Cards show we just started watching last week....heh)
Charlotte - we had dinner at King's Kitchen and walked around downtown a bit. Not bad - just eh.... any Downtown City, USA.
Charlotte Douglas airport is officially one of my least favorite. B terminal was madness.

And so....with being back home, I'm ok with no pimento cheese, biscuits and gravy and horseradish in things for a long while.
Will we go back? Probably not - but I'd definitely recommend going! The Smoky mountains are beautiful and I really hope Asheville stays weird.

Finished - Ella Quince - Desperate for a Duke. Predictable, not bad...
Re-reading Lothaire - a nod to the Appalachian gal

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

cravings, college and wild fires

so ready to see North Carolina and the smoky mountains this weekend....heard nothing but good things - stupid wild fires better not ruin my moment. I've wanted to see the Smokies even before even reading Hunger Games. I miss mountains....

recap from last weekend -
craving deep dish pizza we tried Gino's East in Dallas hoping it would be close to the Chicago original and it was so bad we sent it back- bummer

Went back down into Dallas for my aunts art show in the design district and talked to my cousins for a while. On a side note: I got so pissed off at Jamie, he actually lasted being quiet for about 10 minutes when I told him not to talk to me
(....I'd laugh but I really was pissed.)
 Then I got over it...it's seriously too much effort to be mad all the time. I don't know how people do it.


Family thanksgiving went well. No politics (like newslines are warning). I gave Kris a "how to college" book I bought on amazon and wrote a letter on the inside-
he looks at it and goes "a book...noooo" ha. I wish I had it before going into college though...lotsa stuff in there nobody tells you and you don't usually figure out until too late. Who knows...maybe he'll get bored and skim through it...crossing fingers.

About politics though - is it weird that I'm betting that all my favorite songwriters are gonna be putting out some really good songs here soon (after all of this past years fodder?)....just saying.

finished  YA -  Elsewhere by gabrielle zevin - and actually liked it a lot. What a great idea. It read a little immature/simplistic but the lead is 15! duh! 

Also read Confess by Colleen Hoover - pretty good but oy... heavy. I have another of hers ready to read but I think i'm gonna hold off 

and I finished another one....well dammit I can't remember what it was now...and so we micky and the motorcars


Friday, November 18, 2016

I'm a little all over the place

Thanksgiving family time/football this Sunday is locked and ready
....not sure what else we're doing this weekend.

Besides that - this week's been mostly a week of constant shifting thoughts.
- "don't tell me what to say and don't tell me what to do...la la la la la (forgot the words to the song)...
-"if it's fake news how do I know what I'm reading now is true Frank Luntz?"
-"so you post a video of a racially charged fight to negate a video of a racially charged fight?" 
-"the F4 key in excel is my homie."
-"lets click on the most irrational comments on this FB newsfeed just for a bit of twisted fun!"
- "is "ugh" an emotion cause I feel it."
-"my cleavage is out of control again"
-"it all started with a big bang. bang."




Really though...reading those FB/twitter feeds.... people have got to be exhausted from being so angry with complete strangers ....right?
Like...I really wonder what their lives are like.

Do they just go on there, "purge" and then happily go on with the rest of their day, tuck their kids in and sleep well?

So fascinating....

On that note....reading "Our Souls at Night" -story about a widow and widower in their last years coming together out of loneliness. Kinda weird with no quotations in the dialogue, it's working though - only thing is I'm losing interest about half way through.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Arrival, Deadpool, Pride/Prejudice/Zombies

I took (a much needed) Friday off and since I had the house to myself -watched movies Jamie'd never watch:
DeadPool and Pride and Predjudice and Zombies. Also watched the new one in theater, Arrival, with my sister. All not bad,  in their own ways. 

Then carpooled with the M's down to Wurstfest - saw my dad for lunch on the way and then got a little (a lot) tipsy.
yep this was me

what can I say, we were at a German festival with LOTSA people to talk to.
Jamie said I was too much to handle - This made me happy :0)
My head hurt yesterday. Moving on....

Re-read Eloisa James Villier's, the son's and Vander's stories.  I feel I deserved it.
 As the term goes - I "self-cared".

And so....I'm surrounded by a lot of people here that can't seem to understand why people are so worried...

I'm also not getting why the people who hate hate are saying and doing hateful things? Lead by example - don't scream and rage and cry - it gets no one anywhere. And anybody that has to deal with men, know that doing all that just shuts them down. I mean shit, it shuts me down too, not gonna lie...

Like... I hope this million women's march in January does something different. Use technology - no signs and chants - oooh I know! maybe designate songs everyone knows....imagine "a million" people connected singing the same songs at the same time in protest. A Karaoke march! (HA!)

Seriously though...I guess when the mood strikes we'll find something we can talk about around here (or not) and just carry on. That's the best I can think of.

Got to finish organizing Thanksgiving...and I've got work. Yes back to work.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

and so...I wasn't going to say anything for a few days to let it settle a bit ....  I'm not one to be emotional anyway...it gets no one anywhere.

really though - quite frankly I'd like to mark this down for myself ('cause I'm almost even more surprised at the way I'm feeling right now than the outcome of this presidential election...if that makes any sense? Especially since I was no rah rah Hillary fan either...)

I'm nervous,
a little sick to my stomach,
my inner consciousness/instinct is red flagging,
and though I never once - in my life - recall having felt aggressed upon .... I do now being a woman with dark hair and dark eyes.

 .....how's that for emotional?

Please god let it be me being over emotional.
I ask to be proven wrong. I want to be proven wrong.

and so like i said in my "farewell 'til saner times" fb post on monday:
I'm no Nasty girl
Nor am I a Deplorable girl
I aim to be a "obstinate, headstrong girl" (of the Jane Austen variety)...

but alas... I was younger then, even my whimsy feels banked and unamusing... I'm gonna try for a better day tomorrow.






Monday, November 7, 2016

hope I see ya in the next life

Lovin feeling a little more rested - and at this point to where I'm so completely weary of the election I would say that I'd totally be more inclined to vote for someone  who pushes for discontinuing DST ,and the hour loss of sleep, next year and beyond....no matter what their party affiliation. * ya hear me my (current) representatives? van taylor /matt shaheen/ samjohnson*
It just makes logical sense!!!
I love logic.

We didn't do much of anything this weekend.
I finished Christina Lauren's "Beautiful" - it just read kinda muted for them. And the gal lead had potential but pushed over the "a bit pathetic" line a couple times too many for me. Not bad though. A least favorite of theirs is still better than many I've tried.

and also read Mhairi McFarlane's "It's Not Me It's You" - I almost gave up with the beginning not grabbing me. Some of the British vernacular went over my head. And a lead not unlike "Me Before You" gal I had a few chuckles here and there. Not a bad read.

And so I'm gonna try to steer away from social media tomorrow and probably a few days after that, I just...I'm so done with the way people have lost their heads over this.

regardless...I don't know when it happened when people started hearing to respond rather than to listen and try to understand.

Or worse - stopped hearing anything other than what they believe is true.

Even those I thought were the most even keel of people....it's baffling...and so I'm silently (in my head) telling my people to stop being such selfish drama queens - whereas before it would've been funny...now not so much.

hope that you don't hate me, hope i see ya in the next life






Friday, November 4, 2016

my book skirt (and how he told his mom about me)

not had time to read and think it might be driving me mad.
I'll see how I can catch up this weekend.
On the plus side I'm wearing my book skirt that I got on etsy today and though I have a failed attempt at a perfect liquid eyeliner line - I look really cute with my black top and black sparkly flats.

one a side note...I have to write this down before I forget -
On the way home from dinner earlier this week, Jamie and I got to talking about how we introduced each other to our parents.

he said he was nervous telling his mom about me - he led in saying  to her "I want you to meet this girl, I like her, just want you to know she's Mexican....".



Not sure why I'm surprised...but yep I'm surprised that he felt the need to lead with I'm "Mexican"...

besides the fact that I'm not - I'm American - but I'm always happy to own the:
my ancestors are from Texas, Mexico and Spain card, 
or the I speak Spanish card, 
or woman card, 
or college degree card, 
or books are rad card, 
or  I'm from El Paso card, 
or I grew up in Canada so Canada is awesome card, 
or baseball yeah! card, 
or  I listen to country music card  etc etc. 

--- sometimes different cards at the same times depending on the subject matter 
(ahh the glory of different affiliations)

and obviously it doesn't matter, I'm closer to my in-laws than I think most other "wives" are with theirs.

It's just... it's not even a thought in my head to lead with a persons ethnicity/race
I mean unless you're in a room, pointing a person out and you don't know their name - "tall, black girl black shirt", " short haired blond,  etc..etc.

I walk into a room and just see people.
Jamie walks into a room and sees how people are different.

It's so weird...and kinda sad...just different points of view, cultures, raised environments I guess....

oh well...I'm over thinking too much right now....
lots of options this weekend - mostly festivals revolving around meat or chili....we'll see!

Kinda in a Great Divide mood - maybe I can pull Jamie away from the Cowboy game to see Mike McClure Sunday? Miracles do happen sometimes....likely not in this case though...



Tuesday, November 1, 2016

my days of always being boring are numbered....

I was so boring this year for halloween, I'm disappointed in myself.
Next year I'm doing something! Really next year is going to be better overall - cause I've put in my misery time this year. I'm over it (and myself) and the boring-ness.

Had like 10 kids stop by for halloween (a record for us) - i don't get why people that are home don't offer candy for kids? - I mean I'm not so much a "kid person" myself either but it's supposed to be fun - don't they remember being a kid? ...ugh people are so blah

Weekend went fast with mom and ed in town.  Steinfest in Plano, food and drink and food and drink. Yep Jamie managed to piss me off again. surprise *smh*
Aside from that, it is strange to see how my mom's aged.... I guess I just revert back to how she used to be in the in between months I don't see her.
Another thing people don't tell you about getting older - your parents age quickly too.

Finished Sophie Jordan's - While the Duke Was Sleeping, pretty much the movie and actually kind of slow, I usually like her stuff more....I guess not bad though.

We early voted last night - in and out in under 10 minutes
one more week...oy.



Dug out and wore the Cubs shirt I bought at Wrigley years ago - of course the world series beat out NFL #'s!....baseball is so much better than football. 

In a Jack Ingram angst mood today - i forgot Patty Griffin sings here too!...
What makes you say the things you say
What did I do so wrong today
Where did you learn how to cut me so deep
When did I let you get so far away from me